My Blog Has Moved!

After a short time here at  blogger.com I have decided to move my blog to a domain more suitable to my needs.  On Blogger, readers of my blog are required to have a Google account and become members of my blog in order to leave comments or interact with my content in any way. This basically defeated the purpose of even having a blog, so I moved to WordPress, which is much more reader-friendly.

Please visit my new blog at http://lifewithasideofsarcasm.wordpress.com/

I hope to see you all there!

Thanks for your support!
Lisa

Commercials That Miss the Mark (Part 2)

A few days ago, I posted about several commercials that didn’t make sense to me for some reason or another.  Here are some more commercials that four out of five psychiatrists agree you’d have to be certifiably crazy to enjoy.

Nationwide Insurance – In this vomit-inducing series of ads, Nationwide shows their self-proclaimed “The World’s Greatest Spokesperson in the World” explaining various features of insurance products.  Then he starts crooning the “Nationwide is on your side” tune, often challenging his victims to sing more out of tune than he is.  Awesome.

And while we’re on the subject of singing…

My heart dies a little bit every time a commercial comes on that features a warbly-voiced woman screeching out a tune in the background.  The two biggest offenders lately are the Truvia and Citi card ads.  There isn’t enough Clorox on the planet to brain-bleach those craptastic renditions out of my head. 

Even the guitar-strumming lesbians at Starbucks on Tuesday nights sing better songs than this.

Since somebody left the gate open, take your lame voice and ass through it and leave.

 

Amazon.com – A woman is walking, presumably home from work, down a street in what appears to be a large city.  Surprise #1: There’s a package from Amazon.com clearly marked with the Kindle logo leaning against her front door.  Surprise #2: It’s still there after being out in the open in a busy urban area all day.  Surprise #3: She pulls her Kindle Fire out of the box right there on her steps, magically boots it up without benefit of charging the battery and surfs through apps that she’d have to download to get. 



Rice Krispies – If there is anything more fun than eating Rice Krispies Treats, it’s making them.  Now both things are unappealing to me after seeing the commercial where the Mom is helping her kids make a batch of Treats.  Little kids are notorious for not always washing their hands after using the bathroom or picking their noses, and watching these waifs simultaneously eat handfuls of Krispies and mashing the marshmallow mush between their fingers makes me sick.  I’m not the only one.  At one point, the little kid touches a  particular treat and proudly states, “This one’s for Daddy!”  I hope Daddy enjoys diarrhea.

Another cereal commercial that makes me shake my head is for Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  One piece of cereal stands on the edge of the bowl and eats another piece out of the milk.  Cereal cannibalism, anyone?  Even stranger, this Hannibal Lector of cereal has its own Facebook page.

“But Wait, There’s More!!!!!” commercials – First, the voiceover excitedly explains what the product is and how amazing it is that you have lived your life this long without it.  A price is given.  But Wait, There’s More!!!!! Now you have the opportunity to own not one, but TWO, products! Just pay separate shipping and handling! If I didn’t want one Lint Lizard or Pasta Boat pasta strainer, why the hell would I want two?  Especially if I’m paying separate shipping and handling – translation…send us an additional $11.99 so we can send you your free gift.  Sign me up for that.

As hard as it may be to believe, there are commercials out there that I enjoy watching (or ones that don’t irritate the crap out of me).  I’ll explore those in a future blog entry.  Stay tuned.



Commercials That Miss the Mark (Part 1)

We can all agree that there are plenty of annoying commercials on TV.  Some are irritating because of their content, others because of the number of times they are shown.  In fact, there are so many stupid commercials that I can’t possibly discuss them in just one blog entry.
 

So here we go with Part 1. These commercials have elements that distract me from whatever product or service they are shilling:

Totino Pizza Rolls – At least I think that’s what they are selling.  I’m too distracted by the kid talking to his mother on the phone to know for sure.  First, he can’t find the pizza rolls in the freezer, even though they are two inches from his face.  Second, he nods at the phone like his mom can see him.  By the time this moron leaves the phone in the freezer, I’m wondering why his mother trusts him to safely use the microwave at all.

ATT U-verse Home Bundle – On Career Day, a cable guy has taken time out of his busy schedule to perform a community service for a local school.  How is his generosity rewarded?  Some snooty brat tells him how inferior his service is to AT&T’s and argues with him when he tries to explain what he offers.  The teacher not only tolerates the brat’s disrespectful behavior, but she also joins in to ridicule the guy. I get that AT&T just wants to compare and contrast their bundles with those offered by cable companies, but watching smug kids embarrass an adult doesn’t sell me anything.

ATT Wireless Internet – I’m not picking on AT&T, but they have another commercial featuring a child getting all high and mighty on an adult.  This time, a father is looking for his computer cord.  The mother very nicely explains that they now have wireless internet at home and on the go.  The daughter’s only contributions come in the form of two snarky remarks to Dad (“It’s an invisible cord, Dad!” and “The cord’s really long, Dad!”) Dad ought to remind her who pays for the internet service and take it away until she can learn some respect.

Temptations by Jell-O – Kids aren’t the only ones misbehaving in commercials. Here, a mother is telling her children a story about a chocobeast monster or some such nonsense that attacks children who steal Temptations from their parents.  The chocobeast (Dad) suddenly appears, scaring the poor kids senseless.  It’s ironic that a product marketed directly at adults is using such juvenile means to do so.  Maybe Mom and Dad should have spent time at the grocery store buying snacks for the whole family instead of scarring their children for life over Jell-O.

Check back soon when I dissect commercials from Nationwide, Amazon.com, Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and others.

What commercials do you love to hate?  Let me know in the comments and they might appear in a future blog entry.

The Hunger Games, Starring Local Moviegoers

This weekend, my Princess and I went to see The Hunger Games at our local theatre.  We showed up 45 minutes before showtime only to be told the 2:10 showing was sold out.  We then bought tickets to the next showing an hour later.  Fast forward to 30 minutes before the 3:10 showing when we entered the theatre that was already over 1/3 full.  We selected a row that had 5 empty seats on the aisle.  Princess left an empty seat next to the person already sitting there, and I sat next to her, leaving two empty seats between me and the aisle.  Since I didn’t want cinemuck on the bottom of my purse, I placed it in the seat next to mine instead of on the floor.

Right before the previews started, I decided to visit the restroom since the movie is nearly two-and-a-half hours long. As I was getting up, a woman in her mid-thirties asked me if the seats next to me were taken.  I said no, moved my purse into my seat and left the theatre.  When I came back, the seats were still empty. Princess said, “That woman who was here when you left was rude to me.”  As I was processing this information, said woman, a.k.a. “The Bitch”, known from this point as B, appeared beside me with her hands on her hips.  She loudly stated, “So is she going to move down or WHAT?!?”  I responded with an “Excuse me??”  B responded, “I asked her to move down a seat so me and my three friends could sit here, and she said she wouldn’t move until you got back.  So is she moving or what?”  After I smirked and rolled my eyes at B, Princess and I moved down one seat while I wondered how they planned to fit 4 asses into three seats. 

B plopped down in my old seat, then whipped around and said, “Why do you have to be like that?” I considered her for a second, then said, “Look. We moved down like you asked, even after you were rude to my daughter. Have a seat and enjoy the movie.” Her reply was, “Well, she said she wouldn’t move down until you got back, which I thought was rather ODD.”  Oh B, you don’t want to insult my daughter twice.  My response? “Well, I think it’s rather ODD that you and your friends come into a popular movie right before it starts and expect everyone to accommodate you.  If you and your three friends wanted to sit together, you should have gotten here early like the rest of us.”  B, clearly flustered, started blubbering about their busy schedule, when one of her cronies said, “Let’s just find somewhere else.”  Maybe she had figured out the 4 asses:3 seats ratio. B and her posse left in a huff, brushing rudely against an older man and woman who asked if the seats next to me were taken.  I said, “I would be HAPPY for you to take those seats!”  At this point, the six people sitting in the row directly in front of us turned around and applauded…I kid you not.  I’m guessing they had heard how rude B was to my Princess because they all said I did the right thing by standing up to an obnoxious person like her.

I know Miss Manners would never approve of my behavior, but nobody disrespects my Princess without the Mama Bear in me coming out, claws and all.  Fast forward to the end of the movie – Princess and I were waiting at our seats for the theatre to clear out so we could leave.  A man who had been sitting a couple of rows back walked up to me and said, “I just wanted you to know how much I admire you putting that spoiled brat in her place.  People like her need to be taught they can’t always get their way.”

For a moment, just for a moment, I felt a little like Katniss, unwillingly placed at odds against her peers, protecting Rue, and winning not only the Game but the respect of the people.

Only kidding.  I just felt I needed to at least mention something about the movie since its name is in my title. J

Oddly, it wasn't teenagers who were being obnoxious.

Public Display of Affection

Okay, so my DH, the Princess and I were enjoying dinner yesterday at a local casual dining establishment.  We were enjoying it, that is, until a couple of teenagers sat in the booth next to us.  After a few minutes, the young girl kissed her boyfriend on the cheek and gave him a cute smile.  His response was to give her a quick peck on the lips.  Awww, young love.

 “Awww” quickly turned to “ewww” as those sweet kisses morphed into an all-out tonsil-tasting never-ending grope session.  Since Mommy clearly didn’t teach you any better, please consider the following:

In the event my Princess one day forgets this lesson, DH and I are prepared to deliver this friendly reminder:



Remember, kids – PDA is not OK.

Men's Fashion...Um, Yeah

Once upon a time, men’s fashion looked like this:

If current trends are any indication, “cringe worthy” doesn’t even begin to describe the new definition of men’s fashion.  For your consideration:

Mantyhose – What has long been the bane of every woman’s existence is now trending for men?  They can have them. Apparently, mantyhose are all the rage in Europe, where men wear them under their clothes for added smoothness and additional warmth. I’m guessing these are not control-top hose. That would make things quite challenging at the urinal, no?

The Man Bun – Men’s hair styles, just like women’s, are ever-evolving animals.  In the case of the man bun, the species should have become extinct before this creature was spawned.  I can almost understand it for athletes like Tom Brady and David Beckham, who need to keep their long hair out of their faces, but as a fashion statement, it’s just plain silly.  Still better than a mullet, I guess.





Chris Jones of Bravo’s Top Chef - Texas

The Cowboy Tennis Shoe by Adidas© – What dark corner of hell did these come from?  Clearly the person who was able to talk this atrocity past Adidas© executives and into production made a deal with the devil.

 

Meanwhile, back on Earth, who would wear these?  Imagine walking onto the basketball court or into a country/western bar with these on.  You’d have your ass handed to you at either place. But hey, what do I know? Maybe forward-thinkers like Mark Cuban and Jerry Jones will have their respective teams sporting these next season, perhaps with mantyhose.  Yeehaw!

Jolie Redux

My good friend Robyn sent me several interesting articles today regarding Angelina Jolie and her right leg.  This one made me laugh the most.

If both of Angelina's legs were showing:

Thanks, Robyn!

Jolie Jeer

Of course today’s topic has to be about last night’s Academy Awards ceremony.  Total disclosure – I only saw one of the nine films nominated for Best Picture, but I only watch the Oscars to see what people are wearing anyway.

The absolute best Oscar moment for me came during Angelina Jolie’s presentation of several awards. It wasn’t because I’m a fan of hers…hardly.  When she walked on stage, that mile-high slit in her dress showed us parts of her that only Brad Pitt should be seeing. Then, as she prepared to speak, she purposely stuck her leg out and assumed such a ridiculously saucy pose that I, and apparently the chuckling audience, thought she was setting up for a joke.  She wasn’t.

Before last night, I had never heard of Jim Rash, one of the writers who shared the Best Adapted Screenplay award for "The Descendants," but I’ll be on the lookout for his work in the future.  When he came onstage to accept his award, he struck the same pose as Jolie.  And held it.  While Angelina was standing nearby.  Poetic.

Angelina made no mention of the obvious mockery in her next presentation, but maybe it gave her and her skeletal right leg something to think about.  Stay classy, Angie.

 

Note – Special shout-out to Kathryn Stockett and Tate Taylor for The Help.  Dear Husband and I went to school with them many moons ago.

Craft Stores

Let’s get one thing straight – I am not an artsy-craftsy kind of person.  Try not to judge me.  I admire those people who are good at and actually enjoy those sorts of things, but that’s just not me.

Nothing against Hobby Lobby, Michael’s, or Joanne, but I am totally out of my element when I’m forced to go there.  Like today when I visited all three.  I was on a mission for my daughter’s Girl Scout troop, and I needed a rubber stamp with a vampire theme (don’t ask).

Roaming around in these stores was awful for me, ranking somewhere between “root canal” and “walking in on Grandma shaving her legs.”  At one store which shall remain nameless, I asked an employee where I could find the rubber stamps.  Her response?  “Those would be in the scrapbooking department.”  Great, like I know where that is.  When I asked for clarification, she pointed in a general direction, which, I kid you not, included at least half the store.  Thanks, Babe, you’re a peach.

I’m happy to report I was able to find what I needed, and I got the heck out of there as fast as I could.  Next time you go to a craft store and notice skidmarks in the parking lot, you’ll know I’ve been there.

Remember When?

Need help feeling old? I don't, but in case you do, the following should help you on your way.

Surviving Junior High

Ah, junior high, or middle school as it is known around here, that unfortunate consequence of a union between daytime soap operas and nursery school.  While things like clothes styles and music have changed in the twenty years since I was in junior high, some things unfortunately are exactly the same.

Catty girls -- Hormones and insecurity viciously collide inside teenage girls, resulting in some of the nastiest little bitches this world has ever seen.  I was an almost-daily victim of a trio of nasty wenches that made themselves feel better by tearing me down.  While the rest of our classmates grew up and actually acted human when they got to high school, these three held onto their immaturity like a lifeline.  Where are they now?  One, in spite of being the daughter of a very successful and distinguished businessman, has done nothing with her life except squirt out a few kids that are even uglier than she is.  Another one sent me a friend request on Facebook a few weeks back – are you freaking kidding me?  I have no idea where the third one ended up, probably because my internet search did not include the inner circles of Hell.

            Advice:  Most of the biyatches of junior highdom eventually find better things to do, like concentrating on their studies or their boyfriends.  The other trolls? Well, just ignore them now and laugh at them later when they ask you if you want fries with that. Just like these girls, Karma is a bitch.

Awkward boys – It’s God’s cruel joke that boys start puberty two or three years after the girls (though it sucks nowhere near as much as the Aunt Flo girls have to endure).  Nowhere else is this height discrepancy more apparent than at the infamous junior high dances.  Remember the taller girls in the big-girl heels slow-dancing with the guys a head shorter than they were? Almost as funny as watching the JV quarterback trip over his own feet in the lunchroom or the class braniac forgetting to zip his fly.

            Advice:  Rest assured, things get better on this front.  By the time Junior/Senior Prom rolls around, height won’t be an issue, only acne and busy hands.  Beware of the guys who remain short as they tend to over-compensate in some undesirable way that makes them unsuitable boyfriend material.

Stupid parents – Part of a new teenager’s rite of passage is to realize their parents must have forgotten to pay their brain bills.  When that puberty switch is turned on, teens stop looking up to their parents and start looking at them like they just escaped from the loony farm.  That’s only half the equation; teens simultaneously begin believing they have all the answers.  Not only are parents total morons, but teens are experts on everything.  Go on, just ask them. As I recall, my know-it-all phase lasted until I got to college and realized my crazy parents had been right about a few things.

            Advice:  Teenagers don’t know everything.  Parents don’t know everything.  The sooner both parties realize this, the easier those awkward teenage years will be for everyone concerned.  Until then, tolerate each other and pray that no one gets killed.

Product Review -- Culinary Treasures Organic Lemon Ginger Sesame Dressing and Marinade

As a kid, I fell in love with the ginger salad dressing at Benihana, partly because it was an interesting pink color but mostly because of the taste. I recently purchased a bottle of this Culinary Treasures ginger dressing after tasting it at my local Costco ($5.79/32 ounces) and found it light and flavorful.  The ginger bite is offset with the tang of lemon and mellowed by a splash of soy sauce and toasted sesame seeds.

A peek at the label reveals more fat and calories than I expected (6 fat grams and 90 calories per serving), resulting in a Weight Watchers© Points Plus value of 2. However, the recommended serving of two tablespoons was excessive.  One tablespoon adequately dressed my fairly large green salad, and I’m a girl who likes a lot of dressing.  That’s a lot of flavor for 45 calories and 1 WW point.

This product is a natural dressing choice for oriental salads and green salads with fruit.  It also makes a fabulous marinade for protein.  I have used it to marinate grilled shrimp and baked chicken, both with delicious results.

You can never tell how long Costco might stock this dressing, and I haven’t seen it in other stores. I recommend picking up a bottle or two while it’s available, and you might just find yourself a new favorite salad dressing.

Note:  I was not paid for this review or provided with a free sample bottle.  Culinary Treasures is also marketed as La Maison.

Abbreviations

Not too long ago, my Dad very proudly announced to me that he knew that LOL meant “laugh out loud.” I gave him a few more easy abbreviations to decipher, hoping to help him feel more in touch with today’s youth.  The result?  He felt older than ever, and I felt like a jerk.

What we both needed at that moment were abbreviations that represented his age group rather than the Twitter/Facebook generation.  Here are a few abbreviations that Dad may have been able to guess correctly:

OMG – Open My Geritol

ROFL – Rude Old Farts Leering

BRB – Bones Really Brittle

WTF – Wag The Finger

TTYL – Try Taking Your Laxative

GTG – Good Times Granny

BFF – Best Friend’s Funeral

POS – Please Obey Seniors

LMAO – Love My Arthritis Ointment

BTW – Broke The Wheelchair

IMO – Incontinence May Occur

FML – Fart More Loudly

TBH – Total Brain Hemorrhage

FYI – For Your Incontinence

HAGD – Had A Great Dump

TTFN – Time to F’n Nap

FWIW – Fall When I’m Walking

IDC – It’s Damn Cold

IM – Imperfect Medicare

Leave your own geriatric abbreviations in the comments section!

Freaky Facts Friday

Freaky?  Absolutely.  Factual? I found them on the internet.  You decide!

It is estimated that 4 million “junk” telephone calls, phone solicitations by persons or programmed machines, are made every day in the U.S.

I estimate I receive about ¼ of them. SO glad I took the time to enroll on the “do not call” list.

The “You Are Here” arrow on maps is called an ideo locator.

Idiot locator sounds more accurate to me.

The chicken is one of the few things that man eats before it’s born and after it’s dead.

I’ll never look at scrambled eggs and fried chicken the same way again.

The National Anthem of Greece has 158 verses.

Good thing Christina Aguilera is not Greek.

There are 1,008 McDonald’s franchises in France.

Let me guess – everyone there loves the French fries.

Cats have over 100 vocal sounds, while dogs only have about 10.

Darn cats are always making things so difficult.

Muscles in the human body (640 in total) make up about half of the body’s weight.

I knew it!  I’m not fat, just over-muscular!

Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men.

You could say that married men have better hygiene, but I’m pretty sure they change their underwear more often only because someone else is doing their laundry.

John Madden is an accomplished ballroom dancer.

Yeah, and Edward Scissorhands is an accomplished pianist.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

Sounds suspiciously like a couple of girls I went to high school with.

Every minute, about 35,000 dead skin cells fall from your body.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t help my dieting efforts at all.

After eating, a housefly regurgitates its food and then eats it again.

As if walking around on poop wasn’t gross enough…

Top Ten Tips for Horror Movie Actors/Actresses

 No matter if the killer is a psychotic freak, a monster or an alien, there are universal truths about every horror movie:

10.  When the musical score suddenly gets quiet, expect all hell to break loose and to be frightened out of your mind.

 9.  When the killer is chasing you, anticipate tripping and falling at least twice (more if you’re female). Notice that even though you are running for all you’re worth, the killer keeps up by merely strolling along.

8.  When you finally reach your car to make your escape, you will have trouble finding your keys.  Once you find them, you will fumble with them and drop them at least once. No matter how reliable your car has been in the past, the engine just won’t turn over as you watch the killer approaching.

7.  When the local sheriff, nosy neighbor, etc. arrives to rescue you, be prepared to not only witness them being killed by the monster but to also trip over their mutilated body later.

6.  Remember that when a killer is on the loose and the lights go out, there are better times to explore a dark basement.

5.  If you are with a group of people, don’t split up under any circumstances.  This goes double if you are horny teenagers looking for a place to make out.

4.  If you hear a strange sound, investigate and find it was only the cat, leave as quickly as you can.  Something big and terrible is coming your way.

3.  If you discover your new house used to be occupied by Satanists, was the scene of a horrific crime or built on top of an Indian burial ground, do yourself a favor and move before the walls start bleeding and the gateway to hell opens up in your basement.

2.  When trying to call for help, expect your mobile phone to have a dead battery or have no reception.  Also, assume your home phone line will be dead, so don’t waste time yelling into the receiver while the killer sneaks up behind you.

And the number one truth about horror movies:

 
1. When you think you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if he’s really dead.  Likewise, if you drop the weapon you used to “kill” him and then turn your back on him, you deserve to be the next victim.

Other Drivers Piss Me Off!

I’ll admit it – this is the same piece I wrote and posted on my MySpace page about 6 years ago.  It got a good response then, so here it is again.  Other drivers still annoy me, so look for an updated version to be posted here soon.

I try not to cuss, but when I get behind the wheel and have to deal with all the morons on the road, I just can’t help it.  I become the world’s biggest hater, and yet after all this time, I’m still amazed at the depth of stupidity I witness everyday.  Here are some of the things I really hate:

• People not waiting their turn at a four-way stop – You know, most people learned to count to four before they started school. If they’re too stupid to count to four, then maybe they shouldn’t be driving at all.
• People who pull out right in front of you when there is no one behind you for a half-mile, then proceed to drag ass – If they weren’t in any kind of hurry, then why the #@*! did they bust ass to pull out in front of me? A similar driver is the one who speeds past you on the highway, only to get in front of you, pull into your lane and then go slower than you.
• People who can’t keep their vehicle in their own lane (especially scary when meeting someone head on) – Those lines are there for a reason, people. They’re not just suggestions.
• People who turn on their turn signal only after they’ve started turning – Did they just discover that feature on their cars?
• People who ride my ass in bumper-to-bumper traffic – Yeah, like that’s going to make the 200 cars in front of me go any faster.
• People who take up two parking places near the building so no one will ding their car – Here’s a tip:  parking far away from the building where no one else parks is just as effective AND makes it less likely that you will get your car keyed for being a dick.
• Drivers with gray hair, especially gray hair under a hat of any kind – I’m not picking on old people, but I’ve witnessed all kinds of scary stuff when a geriatric was behind the wheel.
• People who drive their trucks like they are in race cars – I guess they don’t realize how silly they look peeling out in a dooley or going 95 mph in their Ford Super Duty. And while we’re at it…
• People who drive trucks and don’t work on a ranch, haul big items, go off-roading, etc. – What’s the point?  I know plenty of people who drive their trucks back and forth to work in downtown Dallas…and that’s it.  The worst has to be those SUV/truck combos that are useless as both.
• People who use the shoulder as a lane, especially in heavy traffic – Sit in rush hour traffic anywhere and you’ll see this.  Shame also on those drivers who let these morons back in the flow of traffic.
• People who hit their brakes for no apparent reason at all – You know the type.  Maybe they saw a police car on the other side of the freeway, traveling in the opposite direction.  Maybe a slow song came on the radio.  Maybe it looks like it might rain soon. Who knows?
• People driving erratically because they are on their mobile phone – If you can’t drive safely and talk at the same time, then STFU and drive.  PERIOD. Double shame on the a-holes who like to text while behind the wheel.
• People who cut across multiple lanes and lines in parking lots – OK, I’ll admit I’ve done this before, but I am at least aware that other drivers may also be driving  in the lot.  Apparently this thought does not occur to everyone.
• Women in large, expensive SUVs – I see an awful lot of this where I live.  Most of these bottle-blonde bozos can’t see past their designer sunglasses and surgically altered noses, much less past the hoods of the monstrosities they try to drive.  Bonus points if you see one of these women not talking on her mobile phone or applying make-up, or both.
• People who play music in their cars so loud that I can hear it in my car (or my house!) – I couldn’t care less if they go deaf, but it’s frightening to think that they are totally distracted by the noise AND completely unable to hear sirens, people who might be honking at them, etc.
• People who drive inappropriate speeds – This applies to those idiots who speed in my neighborhood, people driving 50 mph in the fast lane and the like.

And that’s just what pissed me off today!   ;-)