Surviving Junior High

Ah, junior high, or middle school as it is known around here, that unfortunate consequence of a union between daytime soap operas and nursery school.  While things like clothes styles and music have changed in the twenty years since I was in junior high, some things unfortunately are exactly the same.

Catty girls -- Hormones and insecurity viciously collide inside teenage girls, resulting in some of the nastiest little bitches this world has ever seen.  I was an almost-daily victim of a trio of nasty wenches that made themselves feel better by tearing me down.  While the rest of our classmates grew up and actually acted human when they got to high school, these three held onto their immaturity like a lifeline.  Where are they now?  One, in spite of being the daughter of a very successful and distinguished businessman, has done nothing with her life except squirt out a few kids that are even uglier than she is.  Another one sent me a friend request on Facebook a few weeks back – are you freaking kidding me?  I have no idea where the third one ended up, probably because my internet search did not include the inner circles of Hell.

            Advice:  Most of the biyatches of junior highdom eventually find better things to do, like concentrating on their studies or their boyfriends.  The other trolls? Well, just ignore them now and laugh at them later when they ask you if you want fries with that. Just like these girls, Karma is a bitch.

Awkward boys – It’s God’s cruel joke that boys start puberty two or three years after the girls (though it sucks nowhere near as much as the Aunt Flo girls have to endure).  Nowhere else is this height discrepancy more apparent than at the infamous junior high dances.  Remember the taller girls in the big-girl heels slow-dancing with the guys a head shorter than they were? Almost as funny as watching the JV quarterback trip over his own feet in the lunchroom or the class braniac forgetting to zip his fly.

            Advice:  Rest assured, things get better on this front.  By the time Junior/Senior Prom rolls around, height won’t be an issue, only acne and busy hands.  Beware of the guys who remain short as they tend to over-compensate in some undesirable way that makes them unsuitable boyfriend material.

Stupid parents – Part of a new teenager’s rite of passage is to realize their parents must have forgotten to pay their brain bills.  When that puberty switch is turned on, teens stop looking up to their parents and start looking at them like they just escaped from the loony farm.  That’s only half the equation; teens simultaneously begin believing they have all the answers.  Not only are parents total morons, but teens are experts on everything.  Go on, just ask them. As I recall, my know-it-all phase lasted until I got to college and realized my crazy parents had been right about a few things.

            Advice:  Teenagers don’t know everything.  Parents don’t know everything.  The sooner both parties realize this, the easier those awkward teenage years will be for everyone concerned.  Until then, tolerate each other and pray that no one gets killed.