Jolie Redux

My good friend Robyn sent me several interesting articles today regarding Angelina Jolie and her right leg.  This one made me laugh the most.

If both of Angelina's legs were showing:

Thanks, Robyn!

Jolie Jeer

Of course today’s topic has to be about last night’s Academy Awards ceremony.  Total disclosure – I only saw one of the nine films nominated for Best Picture, but I only watch the Oscars to see what people are wearing anyway.

The absolute best Oscar moment for me came during Angelina Jolie’s presentation of several awards. It wasn’t because I’m a fan of hers…hardly.  When she walked on stage, that mile-high slit in her dress showed us parts of her that only Brad Pitt should be seeing. Then, as she prepared to speak, she purposely stuck her leg out and assumed such a ridiculously saucy pose that I, and apparently the chuckling audience, thought she was setting up for a joke.  She wasn’t.

Before last night, I had never heard of Jim Rash, one of the writers who shared the Best Adapted Screenplay award for "The Descendants," but I’ll be on the lookout for his work in the future.  When he came onstage to accept his award, he struck the same pose as Jolie.  And held it.  While Angelina was standing nearby.  Poetic.

Angelina made no mention of the obvious mockery in her next presentation, but maybe it gave her and her skeletal right leg something to think about.  Stay classy, Angie.

 

Note – Special shout-out to Kathryn Stockett and Tate Taylor for The Help.  Dear Husband and I went to school with them many moons ago.

Craft Stores

Let’s get one thing straight – I am not an artsy-craftsy kind of person.  Try not to judge me.  I admire those people who are good at and actually enjoy those sorts of things, but that’s just not me.

Nothing against Hobby Lobby, Michael’s, or Joanne, but I am totally out of my element when I’m forced to go there.  Like today when I visited all three.  I was on a mission for my daughter’s Girl Scout troop, and I needed a rubber stamp with a vampire theme (don’t ask).

Roaming around in these stores was awful for me, ranking somewhere between “root canal” and “walking in on Grandma shaving her legs.”  At one store which shall remain nameless, I asked an employee where I could find the rubber stamps.  Her response?  “Those would be in the scrapbooking department.”  Great, like I know where that is.  When I asked for clarification, she pointed in a general direction, which, I kid you not, included at least half the store.  Thanks, Babe, you’re a peach.

I’m happy to report I was able to find what I needed, and I got the heck out of there as fast as I could.  Next time you go to a craft store and notice skidmarks in the parking lot, you’ll know I’ve been there.

Remember When?

Need help feeling old? I don't, but in case you do, the following should help you on your way.

Surviving Junior High

Ah, junior high, or middle school as it is known around here, that unfortunate consequence of a union between daytime soap operas and nursery school.  While things like clothes styles and music have changed in the twenty years since I was in junior high, some things unfortunately are exactly the same.

Catty girls -- Hormones and insecurity viciously collide inside teenage girls, resulting in some of the nastiest little bitches this world has ever seen.  I was an almost-daily victim of a trio of nasty wenches that made themselves feel better by tearing me down.  While the rest of our classmates grew up and actually acted human when they got to high school, these three held onto their immaturity like a lifeline.  Where are they now?  One, in spite of being the daughter of a very successful and distinguished businessman, has done nothing with her life except squirt out a few kids that are even uglier than she is.  Another one sent me a friend request on Facebook a few weeks back – are you freaking kidding me?  I have no idea where the third one ended up, probably because my internet search did not include the inner circles of Hell.

            Advice:  Most of the biyatches of junior highdom eventually find better things to do, like concentrating on their studies or their boyfriends.  The other trolls? Well, just ignore them now and laugh at them later when they ask you if you want fries with that. Just like these girls, Karma is a bitch.

Awkward boys – It’s God’s cruel joke that boys start puberty two or three years after the girls (though it sucks nowhere near as much as the Aunt Flo girls have to endure).  Nowhere else is this height discrepancy more apparent than at the infamous junior high dances.  Remember the taller girls in the big-girl heels slow-dancing with the guys a head shorter than they were? Almost as funny as watching the JV quarterback trip over his own feet in the lunchroom or the class braniac forgetting to zip his fly.

            Advice:  Rest assured, things get better on this front.  By the time Junior/Senior Prom rolls around, height won’t be an issue, only acne and busy hands.  Beware of the guys who remain short as they tend to over-compensate in some undesirable way that makes them unsuitable boyfriend material.

Stupid parents – Part of a new teenager’s rite of passage is to realize their parents must have forgotten to pay their brain bills.  When that puberty switch is turned on, teens stop looking up to their parents and start looking at them like they just escaped from the loony farm.  That’s only half the equation; teens simultaneously begin believing they have all the answers.  Not only are parents total morons, but teens are experts on everything.  Go on, just ask them. As I recall, my know-it-all phase lasted until I got to college and realized my crazy parents had been right about a few things.

            Advice:  Teenagers don’t know everything.  Parents don’t know everything.  The sooner both parties realize this, the easier those awkward teenage years will be for everyone concerned.  Until then, tolerate each other and pray that no one gets killed.

Product Review -- Culinary Treasures Organic Lemon Ginger Sesame Dressing and Marinade

As a kid, I fell in love with the ginger salad dressing at Benihana, partly because it was an interesting pink color but mostly because of the taste. I recently purchased a bottle of this Culinary Treasures ginger dressing after tasting it at my local Costco ($5.79/32 ounces) and found it light and flavorful.  The ginger bite is offset with the tang of lemon and mellowed by a splash of soy sauce and toasted sesame seeds.

A peek at the label reveals more fat and calories than I expected (6 fat grams and 90 calories per serving), resulting in a Weight Watchers© Points Plus value of 2. However, the recommended serving of two tablespoons was excessive.  One tablespoon adequately dressed my fairly large green salad, and I’m a girl who likes a lot of dressing.  That’s a lot of flavor for 45 calories and 1 WW point.

This product is a natural dressing choice for oriental salads and green salads with fruit.  It also makes a fabulous marinade for protein.  I have used it to marinate grilled shrimp and baked chicken, both with delicious results.

You can never tell how long Costco might stock this dressing, and I haven’t seen it in other stores. I recommend picking up a bottle or two while it’s available, and you might just find yourself a new favorite salad dressing.

Note:  I was not paid for this review or provided with a free sample bottle.  Culinary Treasures is also marketed as La Maison.

Abbreviations

Not too long ago, my Dad very proudly announced to me that he knew that LOL meant “laugh out loud.” I gave him a few more easy abbreviations to decipher, hoping to help him feel more in touch with today’s youth.  The result?  He felt older than ever, and I felt like a jerk.

What we both needed at that moment were abbreviations that represented his age group rather than the Twitter/Facebook generation.  Here are a few abbreviations that Dad may have been able to guess correctly:

OMG – Open My Geritol

ROFL – Rude Old Farts Leering

BRB – Bones Really Brittle

WTF – Wag The Finger

TTYL – Try Taking Your Laxative

GTG – Good Times Granny

BFF – Best Friend’s Funeral

POS – Please Obey Seniors

LMAO – Love My Arthritis Ointment

BTW – Broke The Wheelchair

IMO – Incontinence May Occur

FML – Fart More Loudly

TBH – Total Brain Hemorrhage

FYI – For Your Incontinence

HAGD – Had A Great Dump

TTFN – Time to F’n Nap

FWIW – Fall When I’m Walking

IDC – It’s Damn Cold

IM – Imperfect Medicare

Leave your own geriatric abbreviations in the comments section!

Freaky Facts Friday

Freaky?  Absolutely.  Factual? I found them on the internet.  You decide!

It is estimated that 4 million “junk” telephone calls, phone solicitations by persons or programmed machines, are made every day in the U.S.

I estimate I receive about ¼ of them. SO glad I took the time to enroll on the “do not call” list.

The “You Are Here” arrow on maps is called an ideo locator.

Idiot locator sounds more accurate to me.

The chicken is one of the few things that man eats before it’s born and after it’s dead.

I’ll never look at scrambled eggs and fried chicken the same way again.

The National Anthem of Greece has 158 verses.

Good thing Christina Aguilera is not Greek.

There are 1,008 McDonald’s franchises in France.

Let me guess – everyone there loves the French fries.

Cats have over 100 vocal sounds, while dogs only have about 10.

Darn cats are always making things so difficult.

Muscles in the human body (640 in total) make up about half of the body’s weight.

I knew it!  I’m not fat, just over-muscular!

Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men.

You could say that married men have better hygiene, but I’m pretty sure they change their underwear more often only because someone else is doing their laundry.

John Madden is an accomplished ballroom dancer.

Yeah, and Edward Scissorhands is an accomplished pianist.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

Sounds suspiciously like a couple of girls I went to high school with.

Every minute, about 35,000 dead skin cells fall from your body.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t help my dieting efforts at all.

After eating, a housefly regurgitates its food and then eats it again.

As if walking around on poop wasn’t gross enough…

Top Ten Tips for Horror Movie Actors/Actresses

 No matter if the killer is a psychotic freak, a monster or an alien, there are universal truths about every horror movie:

10.  When the musical score suddenly gets quiet, expect all hell to break loose and to be frightened out of your mind.

 9.  When the killer is chasing you, anticipate tripping and falling at least twice (more if you’re female). Notice that even though you are running for all you’re worth, the killer keeps up by merely strolling along.

8.  When you finally reach your car to make your escape, you will have trouble finding your keys.  Once you find them, you will fumble with them and drop them at least once. No matter how reliable your car has been in the past, the engine just won’t turn over as you watch the killer approaching.

7.  When the local sheriff, nosy neighbor, etc. arrives to rescue you, be prepared to not only witness them being killed by the monster but to also trip over their mutilated body later.

6.  Remember that when a killer is on the loose and the lights go out, there are better times to explore a dark basement.

5.  If you are with a group of people, don’t split up under any circumstances.  This goes double if you are horny teenagers looking for a place to make out.

4.  If you hear a strange sound, investigate and find it was only the cat, leave as quickly as you can.  Something big and terrible is coming your way.

3.  If you discover your new house used to be occupied by Satanists, was the scene of a horrific crime or built on top of an Indian burial ground, do yourself a favor and move before the walls start bleeding and the gateway to hell opens up in your basement.

2.  When trying to call for help, expect your mobile phone to have a dead battery or have no reception.  Also, assume your home phone line will be dead, so don’t waste time yelling into the receiver while the killer sneaks up behind you.

And the number one truth about horror movies:

 
1. When you think you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if he’s really dead.  Likewise, if you drop the weapon you used to “kill” him and then turn your back on him, you deserve to be the next victim.